Scraggletember – a celebration of the piss-weak Moustache.

Movember – a time of rightful reverence yet welcomed levity. For some of us, amongst the unique aforementioned amalgamation of emotional sentiment there creeps another feeling of the not so welcomed order… frustration. Millions of men (including myself) suffer from whispy, scraggly, sparse, or overly blonde nether-nasal locks; or more commonly, just lackluster overall facial hair. Residing in Hipster central, the Town of the Cape, where every second plad shirted, earlobe-spaced Truth coffee denizen has a stash that would have Ron Swanson envious, makes one such as myself question the futility of even attempting Movember. Moreover, when studies like this crop-up, that indicate women find men with “heavy stubble” more attractive, it not only compounds the despair we feel for our own physical ineptitude, but proceeds to rub dark, grainy, five o’clock-shadow-salt in the wounds of my cohorts and I.

Therefore, this post seeks to celebrate the top 5 celebrities with piss-weak Moustaches, and in so doing, champion a cause of our own, “Scraggletember” – if you like.

5 – Leonardo Di Caprio

Smooth in both his charm and charisma, as well as the texture of his face, at number 5, Mr. Leonardo Di Caprio. Looking oh-so graceful whilst showing us how to crush a handlebar moustache with surprisingly minimal density. Tear that shit up Leo.


4 – Orlando Bloom

Coming in hot at number 4, Orlando Bloom and his prepubescent stash and goatee. Whilst he opted for clean shaven as Legolas, I’m quite confident that he would have killed Sauron himself should he have brandished that beauty during LOTR.


3 – Jonathan Rhys Meyers

At number 3 we’ve got another lady-killer suffering from a largely denuded upper lip & chin. Please give a round of applause for Mr. Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Owing much of his signature “lecherous-creep” look to that stunner he’s sporting in the picture below (circa The Tudors), Jono boy certainly has his flimsy moustache to thank for a couple fat paychecks.


2 – Tom Zirbel

Whilst not a “celebrity” per se, American bicyclist Tom Zirbel’s stash is too magnificent a specimen to be overlooked, and comes in at number two. Perfect for minimizng wind-resistance whilst still appearing manly, this stash is truly bespoke.


1 – Remus Lupin of Harry Potter

Majestic both literally and figuratively, Remus Lupin’s stash rests as champion within the pantheon of piss-weak moustaches. A true marvel and quite obviously number one; some say it’s the source of his great power, much like Samson in a way.


If you feel I’ve omitted any other worthy contributions, please feel free to comment.


One thought on “Scraggletember – a celebration of the piss-weak Moustache.

  1. This one kid at work, normally looks like he wouldn’t recognize puberty if it hit him between the eyes. Says he’s going to grow a mustache. I think he’s kidding, or at least misled… He shows up after the weekend, and he’s freaken Methuselah – beard, mustache, etc. He’s been playing around with it…5 o clock shadow one day, then letting it hum its way up to a full beard, then a mustache brush…it’s sickening. But what I’ve learned (in this highly entertaining piece) is that I’m not the only person who sometimes squirms because he’s got next to no hope of growing a decent mustache…

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