Being a fairly regular YouTube goer, much like the rest of the general population nowadays, I’ve spent countless hours feverishly waiting for the “Skip Ad” button to appear in the bottom right corner of the screen. However, out of all the hopeless abominations I’ve been made to endure, nothing irks me more than the obnoxious miasma that is “SixPack Shortcuts” – aka that buff Asian dude you see absolutely fucking everywhere.
It was some time ago that I was rendered powerless by YouTube to skip the aforementioned aberration’s flurry of baseless bravado. Sitting ruminatively in front of my laptop, I pondered who exactly this chap was, and what he was so desperately trying to shove down my throat. A few clicks later and I was greeted with the following humble bio:
“Just who is this Mike Chang guy; this superior specimen of masculine ingenuity? No, he’s not a model, or a steroid junkie. He’s the “Six Pack Abs Coach” that everyone who visits YouTube is talking about these days.”
If you had any reservations regarding the integrity of Mike’s character, the eloquent autobiographical account above should give you a pretty solid indication of just how high up on the scale of douchebaggery Mike ranks (Joffrey Baratheon territory).
So what specifically is Mr Chang trying so hard to flog you? Surprising to absolutely no one, Mike’s flagship ‘programme/product’ claims to hold the secret to getting a six-pack in record time (hence the username ‘Sixpack Shortcuts’). Mike quickly dispatches with conventional wisdom that has duped us into thinking hard work and low-carb diets lead to fat loss and muscle gain. Mike proposes that you listen to him and perform a particular set of movements in a particular sequence (not vague at all) so that your body switches on what’s he’s termed the “afterburn” effect – oh, and all this can be done from home in 14 minutes or less a day.
Mike came to this revelation after sifting through “mounds and mounds” of scientific literature and painstakingly translating his findings into real world exercises, an onerous task he urges you to forego by simply buying the fruits of all his tiresome labour. What’s more is that all this can be had for the giveaway price of $97 (with a recurring payment scheme that’s likely a bitch to opt out of).
Not convinced yet? Well then, just lend Mike your ears for a sec:
“Being a guy I can tell you one thing for a fact, Women love guys with abs, you best get ready for a lot of female attention coming your way once you apply this shortcut to abs.”
You should be pretty sold by now, yes?
Despite the fact that Mike himself does not have particularly defined abs, his secret formula GUARANTEES that you’ll be Kenny Kunene-ing it up and using your abs as a sushi buffet tray in no time, but oh wait? What’s this in the fine print disclaimer?
“Mike cannot guarantee your results with Six Pack Shortcuts. It is possible that you will not lose fat, gain muscle, or get ab definition with this program. It is also possible that you will gain fat, lose muscle, and lose ab definition.”
If one somehow managed to navigate past Mike’s gauntlet of sleazy comments, more than dubious marketing tactics, and bogus ‘BroScience’ references, then it’s his website that would really be the Pièce de résistance. For your viewing pleasure I’m going to take you inside the belly of the beast.
“To see if you qualify” for Mike’s oh-so exclusive VIP programme, one is obliged to fill out a few basic details about yourself. I went ahead and created the most preposterous combination of physical attributes and goals that I could imagine, just to show how ridiculous this programme is. Below I’ve specified that I’m over the age of 60, in excess of 7 feet in height but weigh less than 40 kilograms (89 lbs) – that’s the equivalent of Shaquille O’Neal weighing the same as Miley Cyrus. I’ve specified my goal as ‘bodybuilder’, but one who still weighs as much as Miley Cyrus, let’s see if Mike can help:
Seems like Mike is able to both graciously find space to accommodate me in his exclusive fitness programme, as well as bend the laws of nature, because I’m ready to embark on a journey to transform my 7 ft tall physique into that of a 40kg bodybuilder – stunning (take note of the ‘rules’ I have to abide by).
One of Chang’s latest ads doing the rounds features a faux news reader who warns men about the dangers of Mike Chang’s pre-workout supplement known as ‘Afterburn Fuel’ – some of the warnings include, breaking up happy couples on account of the male partner attracting too much female attention; gaining muscle too quickly; and finally, losing fat at a rate of knots. Whilst this sounds satirical, the ad, much like all of Chang’s work, is not intended to make you piss your pants with laughter, that’s merely an unforeseen consequence; so heed this warning, if you take Afterburn Fuel you’ll get buff, ripped, and have loads of girls gagging for it, so lest you make that mistake and end up a huge loser.
Whilst the internet is littered with snake oil salesman, to see one garner a YouTube following of over 2 million active subscribers really brings out the misanthropic side in me; it’s a poignant reminder that if you punt anything hard enough you can make money off ignorant troglodytes.
Thankfully some equally anti-Chang individuals made this video and I managed to redeem some faith in humanity -#MoneyMike #ChaChang.